Hello Friend,
What did you feel as you read the question in the subject line? What happened in your mind? Where did your focus go? If you’re like me when I read it, I immediately began thinking about the most important lessons I have learned throughout my 53 years on this earth and which ones would be most important to share with the 17-year-old version of me.
I’ll tell you one of the lessons I’ve learned in a moment, but first, let’s think about what happened inside your mind as you read the question I posed. Something compelled you to answer it. Let me say it again. You responded to the question because something compelled you to.
Why do you think this is so?
You were compelled to answer the question because asking questions is one of the most powerful, if not THE most powerful, forms of influence on the planet. Why is this? The reason is that questions direct our thinking like nothing else does. They focus our attention and set us on a mission to find an answer so that our brains can have a resolution. Questions provoke the mind to find a solution -- and close a loop. It’s simple biology.
Let’s apply this concept to relationships, specifically one that you would like to improve.
Is there someone in your life that you would like to be able to influence more positively? Maybe your teenage child or a colleague or a direct report? Is there someone you just can’t seem to get through to?
One of the most effective and powerful shifts that you can make in your approach to this relationship is to stop telling and start asking. I see this all the time with leaders. Leaders have been led to believe that leadership (replace the word leadership with friendship or parenting if that works better) is all about having the answers and telling people what they need to do. It’s all about giving people the answers because we are the experts, right? :) (Yeah, not so much)
Trust me. Neither you nor I are the experts on anyone’s life -- except for our own. So, if you have someone who you want to get through to, someone you are determined to influence -- you might need to change your approach. You can do this by practicing these three simple steps:
Stop telling and start asking. Seriously. People don’t care about what you think nearly as much as you think they do.
Become more curious. Trust their own intrinsic resourcefulness about their life. Become super interested in this person. I mean genuinely curious with a curiosity that flows from a more profound love for this person and a desire to know them better.
Ask better questions. Ask questions that are open-ended and expansive. For starters, stop asking questions that start with the word “why.” Instead, begin your questions with “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” and “how.” These types of open-ended questions are more expansive. They take people inside and force them to think. They open people up.
Oh yeah. There’s a fourth. It is LISTEN. We’ll talk more about that later.
So, what would I say to that 17 your old version of myself?
Well, the truth is I would say many things. As I thought, my mind flooded with lessons that I would share, but one of the most important things I would say is, “Put more energy into being interested than sounding interesting.”
How about you?
Bill
