Who comes to your mind when you think of a challenging or difficult person? Now that you have that picture in your mind, what can you do to get through to them? I mean, what can you do to create a genuine breakthrough and begin building a positive relationship?
It might be more straightforward than you think. In the book, "Just Listen", Dr. Mark Goulston outlines several powerful strategies for how to do this. I'm going to share a couple of them with you in upcoming posts. And trust me, they are straightforward and potent. They are genuinely secret weapons that you can use.
This first is to make people feel valued.
Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, says, "Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.'"
I sooooo believe that. So much so that I have adopted it as one of the core beliefs that I live by.
Often, people who are challenging don't even like themselves. They have lost belief in themselves. And they desperately need someone who dares to hold that image for them until they can.
Goulston tells a story to illustrate this point. He describes how his friend struggled with his adult daughter. She was dealing with a drug addiction that was steadily destroying their relationship. His friend was becoming extremely frustrated with her repeated attempts to manipulate him. At one point, he said, "Mark, I can't take the repeated attempts to manipulate me. I can't stand it when she calls because she's trying to get something from me. I'm getting to the point where I don't even like her."
Then he came up with the idea that would create appropriate boundaries while still consistently letting his daughter know that he loved her. He started to text her every day at 5 pm and would ask her one question: "What made you smile today?"
At first, she predictably used these attempts to get money from her dad. And he would say, "No. I'm not doing that. I just wanted to let you know that I care and I'm just curious to know what made you smile today."
This pattern went on for some time until one day, she said, "Oh dad. If you must know, it was knowing that you were going to call today." For the first time, she genuinely felt love from her father. In her brokenness, she felt genuinely valued by her dad.
Two months later, she was off of drugs.
Goulston writes, "When you make someone feel valuable, you're telling the person, 'You have a reason for being here. You have a reason for getting out of bed every morning and doing everything you do. You have a reason for being a part of this family, this company, this world. It makes a difference that you're here.'"
If you are going to make people feel valuable, you have to believe they are valuable. So let me ask you some questions concerning this "challenging" person whom you are struggling to get through to.
What is it that you believe about this person?
To what extent do you think they are capable of change?
What would you need to do that you are not doing now that might make them feel like they have dignity, that would give them a sense that they truly matter?
What do you believe about their potential?
